The Geneva Convention, The Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, the 10 Ten Commandments, the list goes on. All are extremely important documents that have shaped this great nation we call home. USA! USA! USA! I propose a new document. I present to you “The Male/Female Coffee + Gym Agreement.” Or, the TMFCGA.
Side note: ‘hitting on you’ has such a negative connotation. I’m not Floyd Mayweather (too soon?). I think it implies a sweaty dude walking up and saying incredibly stupid shit. For the sake of making my argument, let’s just call it starting a conversation you didn’t think you would have that day. Proceed.
I’m sure you can guess what the agreement states for the most part. I’ll provide the hard hitting facts of what led me to this groundbreaking document. I’m 28, single, and in that weird phase where some of my friends are getting married and having kids, some are still blacking out 2-3x a week, and some are floating around the ocean shooting lip sync selfies. I don’t really fall into any of those categories at the moment. I date, I Tinder (which is kinda cool but mostly depressing mindless conversations with morons), I go out, I’m social. I consistently hear “you’re such a great guy, how are you single” or “OMG I’d love to set you up with so and so”. Cool. Perhaps I think I’m way cooler than I actually am, but I’m under the impression that I’m a catch (my mom agrees so you know it’s true…ARE YOU CALLING MY MOM A LIAR?). I cook, I take care of myself, I have my shit together for the most part, I have 3-4 abs for christ sake(depending on what I’ve eaten that day obvi).
Dating is exhausting. Like, legit, it makes me sleepy even thinking about it. He’s Just Not That Into You, albeit extremely cheezy, is actually pretty accurate. This clip sums up dating pretty well.
I have a solution for all of this nonsense. Lets all just make a pact that allows us (men) to approach you (females) at coffee shops and gyms. I see more attractive, and possible sane, girls at coffee shops and the gym than I do when going out. I just can’t bring myself to creep on them in those settings though. But what if there was a way, an agreement of sorts that allowed us (mankind) to do so creep-free? While a wise man once said, any pub is good pub, I’m not trying to get pepper sprayed by my potential new girlfriend.
But Danny, when I’m at the gym I’m there to work out, I’m not there to be gawked at by men and hit on like some piece of meat!!! Valid point. I can respect that. I can also respect the fact that you’re fucking lying. You’re not there to be gawked at by EVERY guy, or CREEPY guys, but if the RIGHT guy gawked….you’d probs say gawk away homie.
If you were there to simply workout you wouldn’t be half naked doing those stupid thigh workouts. You’re into being healthy, I’m into being healthy…lets go get a Jamba Juice and go steady!
But Danny, when I’m working at a coffee shop and have my headphones in, I’m there to work and listen to John Mayer. I can’t really call you a liar on this one, buttttt my thought here is “oh your job allows you the flexibility to do your work remotely? Cool, mine too! Lets throw up a relationship status, grab a Groupon to Puerto Rico and business our faces off.”
My proposal. A certain predefined location at the gym for people who are there to work on their fitness, but also wouldn’t mind meeting a member of the opposite sex who also likes to work on their fitness. If you’re into that Dad bod thing, then I already hate you as well. I’ve lost a ton of weight/body fat the last few years and you’re telling me you liked me better when I was fat?
**Here are my thoughts on the Dad bod…also, arguably, the greatest video ever. “Did somebody order pizza!? POCKET BREW!!”
My coffee shop idea requires a little more buy in so hopefully Starbucks reads this and catches on. After you order your triple shot Venti mocha latte whipped non fat caramel machiatto with your name misspelled on it, simply request an “I’m here to work but also wouldn’t mind a bearded Jew saying hey in a non creepy way” cup…it’s a different color, obvi.
We’ll designate a few men and women to represent their respective sexes, develop said ground rules and pick a day to start. I vote for tomorrow. As I type this, surrounded by attractive women in cute glasses (at Starbucks obvi), I am thinking of all the
stupid funny things I could say to them if they just had one of those damn different colored cups! If they didn’t laugh, then I would hate them anyways. Process of elimination at its finest.
So, for now, while waiting on Congress to take action, I’ll just go back to making awkward eye contact and hoping for the best.
Featured image credit: Spokane wedding photographer, Michelle Nagle