Mom, Dad…Take Me Back!

College, Corporate America, Pop Culture , , ,

Ma-the-meatloaf (1)Mom, Dad…I took you for granted. I took it all for granted. And now, I’m publicly asking you to take me back. I’ll move back in, I’l be the best room mate ever, you won’t even know I’m there. Please, PLEASE take me back.

We’re all stupid. Like, real dumb, myself included. What were we thinking? Moving out sounded so good. We had our freedom in college, we lived with friends, it was great. No way will I ever live with my parents again after college I thought. Then, I lived with them for almost 2 years, which at the time seemed like it was an eternity. UGH, it was TERRIBLE! My mom waited on me hand and foot, she cooked anything I wanted for me, it was like there was a 24/7 in-house laundromat, and everything was free. I repeat…IT WAS AWFUL I barely made it out of that 5-star resort alive.

I’ve gotta get out of here. I can’t take any more perfectly prepared scrambled eggs for breakfast, or cold cut combos for lunch. I can’t take how everything is FREE. I can’t take freshly folded laundry in my room EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. If I have to eat one more chocolate chip cookie, or dine at one more nice restaurant…I’LL DIE.

Then, like Andy Dufresne crawling to freedom in Shawshank Redemption, I moved out.

When I first moved out, I was pumped. I had my freedom back. I didn’t have to tell girls that my “room mates” were, in fact, my parents. I was making my own money and it really does feel good to support yourself. That faded after about 3 weeks.

Let’s get a few universal truths straight.

– LAUNDRY DONE BY YOU, WILL NEVER EVER EVER EVER, BE AS CLEAN OR FRESH SMELLING AS LAUNDRY DONE BY YOUR MOTHER.

– LAUNDRY WILL NEVER EVER EVER EVER BE COMPLETED AT SUCH A HIGH FREQUENCY AS YOUR MOTHER CHURNS OUT.

– YOUR HOME, NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU CLEAN IT, WILL NEVER EVER EVER EVER BE AS CLEAN AS YOUR PARENTS’ HOME.

– YOUR PANTRY/REFRIGERATOR WILL NEVER, IN A MILLION YEARS, BE AS WELL STOCKED AS YOUR MOTHERS’ PANTRY/REFRIGERATOR.

We shell out thousands of dollars a month on rent, bills, food, expenses, car stuff, insurances, medical crap, and other grown-up shit. It’s outrageous. When you live at home, doctors visits are pretty much non-existent. I’m pretty sure my mother has a cure for everything from the common cold to typhoid fever in her medicine cabinet. I moved out about 4 or 5 years ago. What I’m about to say is alarming. Are you sitting down? I have calculated I would have about $100k more dollars in my bank account had I been living at Chateau Parentals all this time. $100k is pretty much a billion to a single guy with not that many expenses who just so happens to be Jewish (saving money is in our DNA). So, basically, what I’m saying, is I pretty much could have retired by now.

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