While we haven’t been immersed in Corporate America for almost a year now, this NPTW contributor has. He puts his pants on one leg at a time like the rest of us but over time has meticulously cultivated a list of unique individuals that exist at most companies.
For those of you that, unfortunately, are forced by “the man” to wear pants to work, you have undoubtedly encountered various types of obnoxious work place behavior and stereotypes. On any given workday, we all come face to face with little annoyances, that when piled up, make you wanna go Office Space on your printer. People are weird, we get it, we’re kinda weird too. But, today, we tip our caps to the lunatics who take social norms and etiquette to a whole new level.
You’ve probably got nicknames for these people at your office. Pit-Stain Jerry, because even if it’s 12-degrees outside, Jerry is hot like fire and dripping in sweat. Crying Sarah, who, just has a lot of feelings. However, today, we want to delve into the phenomenon of “talks on the phone in the bathroom” guy.
This guy will make everyone trying to peacefully relieve themselves uncomfortable by holding any segment of a personal phone call while in the restroom. This includes but is not limited to:
START TO FINISH PHONE CALL GUY
This guy will enter the bathroom, do the standard “check under stalls to see feet of other people pooping,” see other people are clearly pooping (or just sitting so they can be alone for a moment..don’t lie guys, we’ve all done this), and STILL, has the audacity to make a phone call, have a conversation, and hang up. ALL of which takes place, pre-wipe. You sir, give zero shits and we applaud you for it.
SPEAKERPHONE VOICEMAIL GUY
This guy is either lazy or too weak to hold a phone to his ear to listen to that life or death voicemail that was left. Therefore, he goes the speakerphone route. This typically occurs while men go #1, as they are using their hands to, well…you get the idea.
CASUALLY ENDS CONVERSATION WHILE ENTERING BATHROOM GUY
This guy makes his phone call before entering the bathroom. He is typically speaking super loud or laughing obnoxiously to signal to other bathroom dwellers that he, in fact, has arrived. Why end the convo before coming in the bathroom? That would be ludicrous. This is usually followed up with a “post hang-up secondary reference” to the person they were on the phone with, many times referencing a nickname that no one has any idea the meaning of. “Dude, that guy is a nut!” or “Bro, Butters is the funniest dude I know, he’s definitely getting fired soon!” Either way, they want you to know they are cool, they talk on the phone with cool people, and they use nicknames on the reg.
MID-CONVERSATION NONSENSE GUY
This guy takes “casually ends conversation while entering bathroom guy” to another level. He continues the conversation while he does his business. This usually entails pinning the phone to his ear while getting ready/performing his business. He usually enjoys talking about stuff either super inappropriate or uncomfortable like his date that went horribly wrong last night or his kids’ football team that can’t seem to run the ball like they did last year. “I know…I KNOW, but if Arthur’s kid could block worth a damn, we’d have a shot.”
This same person sometimes likes to name drop. Perhaps they saw the brown Steve Madden’s of their boss in the stall next to them and realized, hey, here’s my shot to make an impression. “You know my wife’s cousins daughter is in Will Smith’s kids class, right? Yea, Jaden. YES, that Jaden. Yes, he goes to school. That Karate Kid really sucked” The person on the other line has little clue as to what’s going on usually…
HOW TO NOT BE ANY OF THESE GUYS
Tough to say, but maybe try not talking on the phone while doing your business. What are you, a wild animal? The men’s room is a sacred place devoid of drama and stress. Let’s keep it that way gentlemen. That’s what texting is for.