Girl, I wanna text you up

Girl, I wanna text you up

Here's a little mood music to listen to while reading this post. The sweet sensual sounds of Color Me Badd. It's also the inspiration for the title. Allow me to introduce you to the most terrifying symbol of our generation. Whether you're texting someone you are interested in, someone you are friends with, a co-worker, a boss, a family member, anyone... the above image holds so much weight and meaning it's absurd. If you don't have an iPhone...welp, you've got bigger problems. Technology and social media have made communication easier, but way more exhausting. See, even Drew Barrymore agrees. If you are texting with someone you are interested in, it can be nerve-racking enough without the 3 dots. You used to send something and wait with anxiety for a response. Now, you not only wait for a response, but you have the ability to see if they are typing? "Holy shit, they're actually responding. Why are they taking so long? Why am I watching 3...
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Potty Mouth

While we haven't been immersed in Corporate America for almost a year now, this NPTW contributor has. He puts his pants on one leg at a time like the rest of us but over time has meticulously cultivated a list of unique individuals that exist at most companies.  For those of you that, unfortunately, are forced by "the man" to wear pants to work, you have undoubtedly encountered various types of obnoxious work place behavior and stereotypes. On any given workday, we all come face to face with little annoyances, that when piled up, make you wanna go Office Space on your printer. People are weird, we get it, we're kinda weird too. But, today, we tip our caps to the lunatics who take social norms and etiquette to a whole new level. You've probably got nicknames for these people at your office. Pit-Stain Jerry, because even if it's 12-degrees outside, Jerry is hot like fire and dripping in sweat. Crying Sarah, who, just...
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The Hunger Games

With the 2nd installment of The Hunger Games opening this week I felt it was important to discuss a different kinda Hunger Games. Working in corporate america, at a publicly traded company, with lots of rules, policies, and politics taught me some things. My biggest takeaway? People behave like wild animals and get indescribably happy/excited over free food. I call this phenomenon...THE CORPORATE HUNGER GAMES! I'd be sitting at my desk, see I had a new email...and before I had time to check it, the sounds of a nearby stampede. It's like in Jurassic Park, when the T-Rex is approaching, and the glass of water starts trembling. What's going on? Is there a fire? "OMG, DID YOU NOT CHECK YOUR EMAIL?!" THERE IS FOOD IN THE BREAK ROOM! WE DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS OR HOW MUCH THERE IS BUT WE MUST PRESS ON! FOLLOW ME, FOLLOW ME TO FREEDOM." You can learn a lot about a person by how they act...
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Sunday Demons

Picture this...It's Sunday morning, you just got done with a Friday/Saturday bender after swearing you weren't going out this weekend. UNLEASH THE DEMONS! The Sunday demons that is. You know the Sunday demons. That little pit in your stomach you feel but you're not really sure why. THAT my friends, is the Sunday demons. Sundays have the oddest dynamic of any day of the week. You can do whatever you want because there's no work, but you can't, because...you have work tomorrow. If it rains on a Sunday, take everything I'm about to say and multiply it by infinity, we're all goners. "Moral Hangovers" are infinitely more miserable than physical hangovers. Did you text your ex at 3am saying "I miss you" or "you have no idea what you lost you filthy bitch" while crying yourself to sleep? Did you wake up with an empty pizza box next to your bed with ranch and crumbs all over your face? It's cool, OUR...
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We, Are Never, Ever, Everrrr Getting Back Together: My Breakup With Corporate America

It’s 10 a.m., and I have yet to put pants on today. Why? Because I don’t have to for the time being. I have embarked on an exciting, terrifying, and fulfilling adventure of working for myself full-time.  How’d we get here? I’m not really sure… this is how I remember it. College ended…which basically meant MY world ended.  Eff you world! During college, I figured I’d get an awesome job at some cool tech company when I graduated. I’d get to work on a ton of cool projects, win them multiple company softball championships, and be CEO in about a year. Not really… but I figured I would at least find a job that didn’t make me miserable. Now, I’m sure 99% of people my age, at some point or another, have said some variation of “I am not meant to work a normal 9-5” or “I just can’t sit at a desk for 8 hours a day for the rest of...
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Shawshank Redemption v. Corporate America

This post was inspired by my overly emotional editor, @StephGless, who has a knack for crying, cutting onions getting dust in her eyes at work. She actually loves her job, but her stress levels are a real roller coaster ride...which got me thinking. One of my favorite movies of all time, Shawshank Redemption, is also a loose metaphor for Corporate America/cubicle life. Bear with me if you think that sounds insanely moronic. If you haven't seen Shawshank...I feel bad for you...go watch it now, I'll wait here. Before we move on, I want it to be known, I was extremely ecstatic when I was offered my first full time job. I felt like a grown up who was ready to take over the world. I know some people would kill for a job they hate due to financial reasons. However, I quickly learned and realized that sitting at a desk for 8 hours a day was not for me. It felt like a punishment...
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A Trip To Target

Target is arguably my favorite store in the world. However, it's the most dangerous store in the world too. I go there looking for scotch tape and some almonds...black out...and leave with 200 dollars worth of crap. I went last week in search of a portfolio, a tupperware to put salad in, and dishwashing detergent. I left with 2 candles, a folder, paper clips, rubber bands, and a new sponge. First of all, most items at Target are relatively inexpensive in comparison to other places. It's a total shocker when you get to the register and your total is $225.43. How did this happen you ask?! "Everything in my cart is 5 dollars or less!" you proclaim. Well, quite frankly, you have 57 items in your cart, 53 of which you probably don't even need. With so many items available for a few dollars I start feeling way more loaded than I am. I walk through the aisles like this. Then when I get...
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